puppy

photo @jairoalzate

Dear Will

I am such a fool and you are such a coward.

Today, for the first time, I had to quickly reactivate my FB account in order to find a message. I checked up on a few friends, including you.

Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend?

A Canadian girlfriend. A model. She is beautiful and you two look extremely happy together.

What do you want from me? Is it friendship? Because I have a lot of good friends and they do not treat me this way. You tell me you love me and I believed it, except that if you really loved me, you would have told me about this relationship long ago and simply let me be.

I have been trying for years now to move on, and every time I think I succeed, you contact me again and I fall back into the trap. Is it an ego thing? Do you like having me to fall back on? This pathetic little puppy who adores you unconditionally? Who you can slap and kick yet, she will still always come running back, eyes wide, tail wagging, filled with love for you until you hit her again and she cowers away for a few moments until her love for you overcomes her, and then there she is again. Do you like keeping me dangling on a string? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

Even Eric didn't treat me this way. No one has EVER treated me this way, or perhaps you are the only one I let do this to me.... when were you planning on telling me? Why wouldn't you just tell me? Obviously it has been going on for awhile and, judging by the pictures, it looks like you really like her. You have even travelled to Canada for her (Just to add some salt to the wound). I want to be happy for you but for the moment.... I am just SO hurt. Not because you are with someone... you have the right to be with someone...but it all feels like such a lie. Everything you have said to me recently feels so insincere.

Since I have been living in Brazil, I have had so much time to think and the one nagging question remains in my head; did he ever REALLY love me?  If you did really love me, you would treat me with so much more respect. 

When I asked you if there was someone special, you would tell me there WAS! Do you think I can't handle it? Then once again you undermine me, my maturity and my love for you. Of course I am hurt right now, but it has nothing to do with you having a girlfriend, it has to do with the constant deceit. seriously. what the fuck have I done to you to deserve this shit?

Perhaps I have been operating out of ego as well... you are the one man I could never truly lock down.... this whole thing has been some ugly fucking game. 

For the record, I have loved you with every single ounce of my heart. You have done an absolutely brilliant job of smashing every bit to pieces. 

there is nothing left.

forget my last email. I don't want to talk to you tonight.

-Elizabeth H.