:)

photo @dinoreichmuth

Wow, the variations this letter has taken. Essentially they were all just beating the fuck around the bush.

I miss you. Terribly. We haven’t spoken in two months, by my request and by your respecting that request we have kept that no-talk-no-text-no-social-media-creeping streak going.

Oh how I’ve woken up nearly every morning wishing you would break that fuckin vow of silence.  But you’re so wonderful and you haven’t. I truly hope to god you don’t read this. It’s kind of not for you.  But it is. But it isn’t.

I know this turmoil is good. I mean it’s gotta be right?  We broke up a year ago and a few months back I told you that I wanted to try again, that everytime I reflect deeper and do the work I somehow find myself closer and closer to you. It’s the exact opposite experience I’ve had in every other break up.  I think of myself as a pretty great self therapist (ha need to take a liiiiiil closer of a look at that one), but anyway this entire situation has taken on such a life of its own as I dig away to find how deep and twisted its all grown up inside of me, sometimes it physically feels like you’ve wrapped yourself around my organs.  Gross, I know.

Through all the pining and loneliness and reminiscing I have come to the conclusion that it’s mostly because I just want to be like you.  I admire the shit out of you. I know that you know that. The lessons you’ve taught me have so magically integrated themselves post break up.  Cause you never preached, you just led by example. The integrity in which you lived your life and took care of your body and made space and time for yourself was done so gracefully in the best way you knew how.

I shutter with regret at the things I ever gave you a hard time about-  “Do you want to change the world though?” “Are you doing this for the right reasons though?”

I see now that absolutely you were. You were doing everything you could do in that moment to be a good man who is kind to his friends and family and who nobly wrestles with the darkness to reach his highest potential - always.  

It’s fucked cause you’re kind of my role model now.  How did this happen? I am in the opposite position of most breakupees - I have to actually try to remember the times that weren’t good. I have to remember the things that bothered me.  I only see good and that’s a dangerous place too.

The biggest thing is -I’m in the process of forgiving myself for letting this slip away.  I have spent too much time torturing myself with regrets and prayers.

I forgive myself.  

I did the best I could.

I know I’m dramatic AF, but that’s how I roll and that’s my truth and I forgive that too.

IF YOU DO READ THIS….

I am so proud of you. You are such a reflection of generosity, hard work and integrity. So grateful I met you and have known you. One day we can be friends.  One day:) My thing is- there’s only one thing I want to hear from you right now and I know I won’t hear it. So I need to not want to hear anything for awhile so one day when you want to share I’ll be happy to hear it, whatever it is. And I’ll love it. And I’ll be a good friend. And we’ll laugh.

-Raffa P.