stuck.

photo @robpotter

Fuck

I miss you tonight. A lot. For the first time in a long time. I mean, I think about you every day whether you choose to believe that or not. But, tonight it hit me a bit. I thought about laughing with you, watching you smile, and you looking up at me in a joking manner. Looking at me with deep care and affection. I so truly loved you, that to this day I can't get over it.

Almost two years since we've seen each other, over a year since we've talked ... and I still can't get you out of my head. I've tried everything from meeting new people, dating, one night stands, abstinence, but ... you... the person who believed in me first, who gave me the confidence I've always wanted, who've made me the man I am now... I can't shake it. How is it that all my hate for you can just disappear so quickly whenever I think of how much happiness you brought me as well.  I thought about leaving for work in the morning... and saying goodbye.. kissing you while you slept all over your face, down on one knee, staring while I just adored you. You hated me, a lot, and I know I was an ass... a lot, but the end of it was you. I wanted you and you couldn't see that and sure, maybe it's cause you didn't love me again yet because of the long distance, but you also couldn't see how much I was trying to prove I wanted you. Sleeping with other people wasn’t what bothered me, but to find out you were dating someone and allowed me to carry on trying for you, trying to prove to you...that I only wanted you. But fuck you, I adored you so much. You're intelligent, beautiful, and I fascinated about marrying you every day.

And yet, here I am. It's 2 years later... and I'm still... stuck. I'm stuck. And I can't do anything about it but write it out and ... not send it to you.

-Tyler K.