cubicle

photo @ibydesigns

Dear Ex,

When I think of your face my heart warms and a large smirk crosses my face as I think back to the infectious sound of your laugh.  I haven’t seen you at work for a while and often wonder how you are. I don’t know if I still have romantic love for you but there’s a definite love and respect for the love that we shared for 2 years.

However, I do still miss you and your cat. I miss your apartment and you making pesto pasta after I’d come home exhausted from work.

I often wonder if I made the right decision to break up with you. Even though it’s officially been over a year since we called it quits.  When people ask why we broke up I just shrug my shoulders and awkwardly try to change the conversation.

Maybe one day you will come to understand this but deep in my gut something told me it was time to leave. Something was saying our love had run its course but I was so confused by my guts reaction because you are such a wonderful guy…maybe a wee messy and still figuring out his life but hey so am I right?

In our relationship, we broke up 3 times. I kept running back because I felt like my gut must have been wrong because every time we broke up, I still loved you and missed you and didn’t understand what my stupid gut was trying to say. Something just didn’t feel right. Maybe one day I truly understand why I felt that way but for now I’m still trying to decode what I was feeling.

I know the break up was hard on you and if anything, I learned after I broke up with you how deeply you loved me. Whenever I needed help after we broke up, you were the first to jump up even though, we barely talked anymore. Our only exchanged conversations were and are at work which usually was a polite hello or head nod. Yet somehow, I know if I’m ever in serious trouble, I can ask you for help. Thank you.

I am dating someone new and I thought seeing you at work would be easier but it’s not. I think the lesson I’ve learned is to not date your co-workers unless it’s in a job you know you won’t be there for long. I don’t know if you know I’m dating someone now and frankly; I don’t want to think about how or when or where you found out that I am. He’s a great guy and he does make me happy but I feel like I haven’t been able to give him all of my love because I’m still mourning you which is totally unfair to him. I’m hoping this letter will be cathartic to me and help me let you go.

I recently had a very vivid and realistic dream that you are dating someone new.  This new girl was beautiful, petite, blonde, and has a wicked sense of humour. She made you laugh like I haven’t seen you laugh in a very long time. She seemed kind and genuine.

I woke up in my bed and wanted to punch a hole in the wall. I hated her. But after sometime, I calmed down. If this dream is a premonition of things then I know you’ll be happy and taken care of in the way you should have been. Although, I will jealously dislike her secretly because hell, I’m allowed to be petty at times!

Truthfully, I don’t hate you for moving on. I hate myself for being stuck. I don’t know why I thought you’d wait for me while I figure myself out because I’m turning 26 years old and I feel so confused! I thought I’d be more established, grounded and more independent at this part of my life.  I blamed you for my unhappiness and for that I’m sorry. I must take responsibility for my unhappiness and actions.

I’m sorry I gave up on our love because it was real and genuine and was something that can never forget. Thank you for lifting up my confidence and being a comfort for me. I love that you understand that pursuing a life in the arts isn’t easy and to have you cheerlead on the side meant more to me than you will ever know.

I send nothing but love to you and am so proud of you for going back to school because it is not easy to go back to school at 30 years of age. I have immense respect for that.

Thank you for being there, for loving me, accepting me for who I truly was inside and loving that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the girlfriend that you needed me to be and I’m sorry I broke your heart.

With nothing but love,

S